This Website Has No Quest.

There is no ring. There is no roadmap. There is only TomBombadildos.

Begin the Journey Turn Back, Fool

The Fellowship (of the Group Chat)

Aragornn (The Extra N)

Bearer of the Remote

He may be of the line of Kings, but he's usually just finding the HDMI cable. Great hair, though.

Gimlet

The Wizard of Mild Inconvenience

His axe is sharp, but his opinions on fantasy sequels are sharper. Usually forgetting his keys.

Samwise Ganja

The Keeper of Snacks and Anxiety

Would literally walk into Mordor for his friend, but only if they promise good leftovers.

Merry & Pippin (The Unpaid Interns)

Chaos Duo

Capable of consuming an entire pantry in one sitting. Surprisingly good at distraction.

Lore (Mostly Incorrect)

The Silmarils were just really big mood rings.

According to the Appendices (Source: Trust Me, Bro), their luminosity fluctuated based on Fëanor's current level of passive aggression. This is the only true origin of gemology.

Tom Bombadil invented Wi-Fi.

A complex entanglement of ancient forest roots and golden rings allows for pristine 5G coverage in the Old Forest. Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! And fast download speeds!

Gandalf would have loved memes.

His staff secretly projects highly relevant, motivational image macros during times of crisis. 'You Shall Not Pass' was his original, widely-shared, viral meme before the Balrog incident.

Songs Tom Wouldn’t Sing

The Ballad of the Dead Battery
We sat upon the dusty floor, the charger nowhere could we find. Our screens did dim, our spirits sank, and left our quest behind.
Ode to the Unfinished Side Quest
He went to fetch the Potion of Planks, but saw a sale on fruit. And then he joined a raiding guild, and missed his final loot.

The Council of Dumbasses

The ring must be destroyed. But first, let's try to sell it on eBay. If that fails, then destruction.

One does not simply walk into Mordor, but you can probably get a very cheap flight to an airport 45 minutes away.

I suggest we give the One Ring to a giant eagle, but only if they promise to be responsible and not drop it.